A Season Finale
Letter to someone akin to a Demon
To the “Shiroyasha/Kuroyasha” that once graced my screen:
It’s nearly six months since you said your supposed goodbyes, and if anything has taught me quick since then to do anything – it’s to not hold onto your grudges. Sure, I’m not Sam Winchester, and you were never Crowley, or even Lucifer. What you were then, and still are now, the things you’ve done to people make you far worse than them – words on a screen, phone calls and ev’rything in between burnt into my brain like tattoos on my skin. However time taught me to start letting the leash further and further out.
All aspects, all parts of me once told me to keep the leash you held on me very close – try to behave and not let go. You traced a proverbial figure 8 loop on the ice, making it look like we were going to be close even as friends. Even your friends were destined to be on the same loop, giving them the ideas that your intentions were pure. Whatever a demon is, white or black, good or bad – it’s still a demon. Sure, they’re far more interseting than angels sometimes are, and some really are decent friends… but the sheer fact that the further the darkness extends within your soul, the harder the reality is to give up the drug that you pass out. It isn’t always the feeling of being loved or infatuation that you become addicted to, it’s the feeling that someone needs your attention, your pure adoration. When that person finds another drug, much stronger than what you’d given them? They shove you to the side, and don’t let you back in.
I’m sure you’re jealous of me, but that isn’t my intention. I don’t care what you feel about me anymore, revenge isn’t sweet, nor is vengence. My own penance, for my stupidity was the six years I tolerated you and cared too deeply, your sweet sense of telling me you’d never leave me was my penance. Every fibre, every facet, every shard of that internal gem we call a soul felt you. You claimed you were an empath, you claimed you had ties to a samurai graced past life…
We all survived the supposed Mayan Apocalypse….
Your disability didn’t make you any more subjugated for life than anyone else. We aren’t meant for that aspect of penance if we have reincarnation. Reincarnation itself, is our penance – we are meant to relive our lives in whatever format we make our choices in. Don’t you understand that If we don’t do anything with ourselves, we will become complacent? If we choose to make ourselves in whatever fashion we feel passions for – if we even so become a secretary for life, we will be complete. We make choices… and you made yours.
Your penance and subjugation is that you are a demon who regrets for his disease is eating him inside and out. Your disease isn’t a physical one, and your friends have attempted to cure your self defeat. You claim your psyche is strong; your steel core is fair weather and survives the storm. What you are is far from ‘fine’, you are dying in your soul because you can’t see the end of the tunnel. Be it a rainbow, be it a dark but beautiful show of desire… it’s the end of the tunnel and it’s your light. What you don’t understand is that, if you find that tunnel you ride it until the end and your end is the grace – the grace that will carry you through good and bad.
As you see, many of my good friends have psychological issues, but they have a formula to survive. Some people don’t, and it’s unforunate. I’m not saying people are weak, but you are. Why do I have to say this to someone even though I believe in treating people with respect? Because I respectfully believe you can still be saved from your own internal hell. It’s not my place to tell you where you’re going to go when you die… but since I obviously can’t see truth through a blind curtain, I have the choice to voice my opinion of what you could do to save your own ass.
Anything CAN happen.
What you don’t understand is that you have to make the choice.
You have to be the one to let it go, and understand the settings around you – and be who you need to be without it damaging others. Demon or not, everyone has a soul.
It’s all about the balance.
Anything is going to happen, and my choice is that I’m going to pull the season finale on you and i. In fact I’m not going to just pull a season finale on you and I, but pull a season finale on everyone bad in the last fifteen years of my life. I can’t let my own personal disease eat me inside out, and if I break it won’t be because of you or anyone else that sits on my shelf tormenting me. It will because of the nature of life, because of things that honestly DO plague me.
If I see your obituary on the internet, I will not cry… I will hope to hell and heaven and beyond that you’ve learned your lesson. I don’t hate you, and I don’t hate those before you… I don’t miss you, and I know you don’t miss me.
And now for your Benediction…
May the grace of your humanity still be with you, and the sanctuary to guide your ride to the end of the tunnel be with you. In the name of the earth, the sun, the moon and the stars beyond us, I bid you and those before you adieu.
Peace be with you.
J E Haldeman
- One for the Catholics: Talk To Me About Confession (kathleenbasi.com)
- Innocent Penance (keenforgod.wordpress.com)
- Confession and Penance (mkjv.wordpress.com)